It’s National Humor Month!

April 24th, 2015

April is National Humor Month, so get your jokes on! Here are a few of my favorite (clean) jokes. Do you have any you want to add?

tiredWhy am I so tired?

For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!
ferrariThe Ferrari and the Moped
A young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand-new Ferrari 550. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.An old fellow on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny new car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”The young man replies, “A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!””That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?””Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the owner.

So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror.

It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster.

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped.

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there’s nothing he can do.

Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers softly, “Unhook… my… suspenders… from… your… side-view… mirror.”

crime_criminal_procedure2The Client

A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body.
When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand.

“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.” There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door.
“Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”

To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty. “But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer. “It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.” “Who is that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer. “Your client.” Came the reply.

Obligatory Blonde Joke

blondA blond man and his wife were watching the evening news together. The newsreader said “In international news, a disaster near Rio de Janeiro today. Five Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident ”

The blond burst into tears, and his wife couldn’t comfort him. “They were participating in a risky sport, and they knew the dangers,” she said.

Through his tears, the blond man said “But that’s just so terrible! How many is a Brazilian?”

(Ok, I made a few judicious gender changes).

Kids’ Names

rosseA little girl goes up to her mom and asks, “Mommy, why did you name me Rose?”

“Well, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your forehead, so we named you after that.”

Her sister asks the same question, “Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?”

“Well, when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your forehead, so we named you after that.”

The third sister goes, “mwwaaarrrghh,” and the mom says, “What’s that, Cinderblock?”

Did you enjoy those? Send in your favorite clean jokes!

Hearty Mother’s Day Meals

April 20th, 2015

date-meals2Created using top quality fresh meats and produce, MagicKitchen.com guarantees you heartwarming mother’s day meals that will melt her heart. For the most important woman in your life, a MagicKitchen.com gift certificate will be a well deserved treat. What could be better than letting her choose her own meal? All you have to do is select your delivery method and include a loving mother’s day greeting on the certificate.

Nothing says “I love you, mom” better than our hearty variety of meals that will add an amazing spread to the day. Our season special Mother’s Day deals include home-delivered delectable treats that will tempt anyone’s tastebuds. Regardless of the distance between you and your mother, these edible MagicKitchen.com treats that come from the heart will show her how special she is to you.

dutch-apple-pieIf chocolates are her guilty pleasure, our chocolate ganache cake and double fudge brownies will do just the trick. If she loves fruit desserts, delicious lemon tarts, panna cotta or Dutch apple pie will be perfect for any mother’s day spread.

Give her cause for celebration with friends and family with our hearty chicken pot pie, breaded tilapia or a variety of many other scrumptious meals. Forget the bunch of flowers this year. Let her put her feet up and relax over a good MagicKitchen.com meal. The least you can do for this saint of a woman is treat her to a day full of food excitement.

Although mothers deserve more than one special day a year, giving a gift from the heart will give her cause to feel special for the rest of the year. Wherever she is, our affordable delivery options are flexible for all areas in the continental U.S., Alaska and Hawaii. Don’t miss out on the special moments. At MagicKitchen.com our food tells a story. We believe that you’re the only one who knows what your mother’s heart sounds like from the inside. No one can take her place. These special meals will go a long way towards telling her so.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Mother’s Day Note: There’s a special 10% off deal on Desserts packages on now! Keep your eye on that page for seasonal specials!

Crockpots: the Death of Flavor

April 10th, 2015

crockpotHello faithful readers, my name is flavor and I continually suffer a long, slow death at the hands (or handles) of my arch nemesis, the crockpot. It matters not if I am attached to a fine pork roast, short ribs, a creamy soup or what was thought to be a zesty chili, the results are always the same. I slowly dissipate and eventually disappear altogether as the crockpot, set on an overly low setting, cooks hour after hour and very gradually leads to my total destruction, leaving not a single trace of my existence behind.

The primary reason for my recurring death in homes across the country has to do with the fact that when food is cooked at a low temperature for hours, it becomes overly dry and I simply get cooked off as the food I’m associated with simmers and simmers and simmers and…you get the point! Yes, you can attempt to save me by adding a variety of spices and herbs, such as garlic, onions, shallots, rosemary, thyme, or peppers of varying colors. However, it is all in vain as they only prolong my ultimate demise as I am even forced to flee from them as the crockpot continues its relentless and evil slow-roasting, murderous onslaught against me.

After I have been eradicated, my descriptive counterparts, bland, blah, tasteless, and unsavory move in and set up shop in your crockpot, biding their time until they can underwhelm the unsuspecting palates of your family, friend and guests. They thrive while I simply attempt to survive within the confines of your crockpot, but even I cannot stand against the four horsemen of the flavor-killing apocalypse in an environment that’s conducive to their growth and proliferation. Deliberately, they plot my ultimate end, and I am powerless against them. Oh, the humanity.

For the sake of all that’s flavorful and good in this world, please allow your crockpot to collect dust at the back of a cabinet, in a closet, or, better yet, in your basement and find a savory and palatable alternative, such as grilling, broiling or baking with fresh produce and spices.

Of course, one extremely convenient alternative is provided by MagicKitchen.com in the form of delicious and divine entrees, side dishes and desserts, all prepared to keep me very much alive and prominent while banishing the four horsemen of the flavor-killing apocalypse to that great crockpot in Hades, where they belong. MagicKitchen.com prepares all its dishes with me first and foremost in their minds, even the recipes designed for those of you with specific needs or medical conditions, such as diabetes, high blood pressure, or certain allergies. They use the freshest ingredients and deliver these delectable treats right to your door and they don’t even own a crockpot.

Did you Know we Have Gluten-Free Meals?

April 3rd, 2015

gluten-free1Some people aren’t aware of the extent of our menu for people on special diets. but it’s true we do have  gluten-free meals for purchase. The benefits of gluten free living are many. Of course, for some it is a necessity. For those with Celiac disease, gluten is the enemy, and even a hint of an ingredient with gluten can make them very sick. Also for those with IBS, gluten is something to avoid.

But what about people without those afflictions? Many people in the US and Canada are going gluten free because it makes them feel better overall. I personally know a man in his fifties who tried it for a few weeks and felt less…shall we say, flatulent. Others with types of auto-immune disease are trying it as well, in hopes of relief from their symptoms.

Many people across the country are using gluten-free diets as a weight-loss plan. Why not? It eliminates pasta, bread and pastries. If you’re eating a lot of those, cutting them out will definitely cut the calories down. But as Prevention.com warns, “Gluten-free products can be high in calories, fat, and carbohydrates, and some people who go gluten-free actually gain weight. That said, so long as you continue to eat a balanced diet, cutting gluten probably won’t cause any harm.”

gluten-free meals

Chicken ana Luisa, a gluten free meal

Whatever your reason for going on a gluten-free diet, we have you covered with gluten free meals which taste delicious, and will make your day so much easier with less meal prep.

For those with Celiac Disease, you should know that:

  • Our products have not been individually lab tested but we have offered this list of items to our customers for several years with no reported problems.
  • We use the following criteria to determine if our products should be listed as gluten-free: Celiac.com list.

 

 

An April Fool’s Story

March 27th, 2015

pregnant-193839_640The set-up: My wife has a fraternal twin brother, of this I am fairly certain (when you get to this story’s conclusion you’ll understand why I use the word “fairly”). Several years ago, as we were having a joyous time attempting to conceive our first child (maybe that was just me having the joyous time), I wondered aloud if twins were common in her family as I had just read an article on genetics and twin…production? (for lack of a better word). I then vocalized my anxiety about raising a child…

The application: Unbeknownst to me, my innocuous query elicited a chain of events in my wife’s mind that was astounding in its nefarious complexity. She claimed that my question spurred her to conduct some web-based ancestral research to determine the answer and after about two weeks of research, produced documentation to the effect that her family had generated (for lack of a better word), 28 sets of twins since the mid-1800s. My reply?…Holy sh*t! Two days later, she informed me that one of our joyous attempts was successful. We were pregnant…

As I’m sure you’ve deduced, my first reactionary thought was, “A BOGO, really, a buy one, get one free deal? I’m not ready for that, am I?” My wife, sensing my trepidation, soothed me with claims that the odds favored a singlet. It didn’t work. I always thought it was the mother who initiated the “nesting” procedures, that it was a maternal, not a paternal instinct. In this instance, I couldn’t have been more wrong. I immediately began pricing cribs, diapers, diaper genies, and…college tuition.

shocked2The big day finally arrived. No, not the delivery day, the ultrasound. For some reason, my wife scheduled it the same day I arrived home from an unavoidable business trip and claimed it couldn’t be rescheduled. I would miss the appointment. My wife feigned indifference as her mother would be accompanying her and the ultrasound tech was a close friend of hers.

Needless to say, I wasn’t as focused on “thinking outside the box” and “hitting the ground running” as I should have been during my meetings. To make matters worse, I kept going straight to voice-mail when I called my wife with the new kangaroo pouch. When I arrived home, my wife stated that the ultrasound had gone well and that we were NOT, in fact having twins. Thank God, crisis avoided…we were having triplets…shut the front door! She then proceeded to play the ultrasound video for me, and there they were, like three peas in a warm, amniotic fluid-filled pod.

Her mother was ecstatic. My wife was ecstatic. Her ultrasound tech BFF was ecstatic. I was stupefied. I then sat down and resigned myself to a life of eternal diaper changing, chauffeuring and poverty.

april-foolAfter I pulled my head out of my hands, I looked at my loving wife and mother-in-law and there they stood, arms around each other’s shoulders, each with snarky grins on their faces. They were reveling in my incredulity. Those female versions of man’s best friend! “April Fools” they then exclaimed in unison (it was March 31st, BTW). I then peed my pants in unrestrained relief.

The realities: My wife does have a fraternal twin. She has no earthly idea how many sets of twins there are in her family. She conducted no ancestral research. She falsified all the ancestral documents she showed me. She knew I was fearful of raising one child, let alone two…or three. She intentionally scheduled the ultrasound appointment the same day I arrived home. The ultrasound tech and, obviously, her mother were in on it. The tech provided an actual ultrasound video of triplets. My wife wanted to keep the joke going, but her mother talked her out of it. I still dearly love my wife.

What Will Food Be Like in 100 Years?

March 20th, 2015

jetsonWhile it’s difficult to predict what will happen tomorrow, let’s not allow that to preclude us from speculating on what will become of food as we move toward the year 2100 and beyond. And futurists are predicting neither a Jetsons-like meal in a pill, nor the mass consumption of Soylent Green (don’t know or remember The Jetsons or Soylent Green?…Google them).

There are two main scenarios that currently exist for our future, optimistic and pessimistic and they are based on the effects of climate change and the growth of the global population. Most think-tanks have the global population growing from its current level of 7.1 billion to 10-11 billion by the start of the 21st century barring a global conflagration, pandemic or extinction event due to severe climate change (think happy thoughts).

Since nobody likes a Debbie Downer, let’s focus on the optimistic models. The other one’s just too depressing to contemplate. What follows are the three most common predictions made by futurists who study, well…the future. They are in no way guaranteed to occur.

  1. We will eat less meat. Especially beef, due to the fact that it is one of the most inefficient methods of calorie production. It takes an average of 13 pounds of grain, fed to cattle, to produce a single pound of beef. We will no longer be able to devote that kind of time, space and energy to beef production. That time, space and energy will be devoted to growing high-yield, high-calorie, and high-protein crops for humans. Could this lead to less McDonald’s and Burger Kings dotting our landscapes? One can only hope.
  1. garden-hiriseA paradigm shift in agriculture. How we grow food will fundamentally change as current crop production must increase by 103% to feed 10 billion people. Some envision urban-based, vertical agriculture in which crops are grown in massive glass skyscrapers as farmland expands upward rather than outward. Others predict exponential growth in self-sufficient agriculture in which crops are grown at home, on campus, or within local communities. In other words, food will become more localized and decentralized. Still others see the growth of both hydroponic and aquaponic agriculture. The former involves soilless crop production with the plants feeding from a nutrient-rich, liquid solution and the latter involves crops and fish living in a symbiotic relationship where the fish fertilize the plants and the plants clean the water for the fish. Lots to think about, no?
  1. We consume the planet’s most abundant, edible lifeform. Yes folks, we begin to eat more insects for nutrition, not because we lost a bet. Many cultures already consume cricket flour, yellow jacket larvae and various kinds of beetles not named Paul or Ringo. Biologists predict, at any moment, there are over 10 quintillion insects just waiting to be eaten on the globe. Why not oblige them?

English scholar, Thomas Malthus, predicted at the turn of the 18th century that, eventually, global population would be curtailed by the spread of famine and disease associated with a more humans than the earth could sustain. Let’s hope that the same humans find a solution before that occurs.

In the meantime, fill up on delicious meals from MagicKitchen.com, and let those images feel from your head.

chicken-cordon_bleu

Shrimp Fettucini Alfredo for two

Beef Pot Roast

A sprig of basil adds taste and beauty<

Heat Things Up for National Frozen Food Month

March 13th, 2015

1940s“Honey, can you get some frozen vegetables from the ice box?” If you were trying to make something for dinner before 1945, you might have asked this question. That’s because there was no such thing as an electric freezer before then. If you wanted to keep food frozen, you had to put it in an ice box surrounded by ice and insulation which was often kept underground in basements and cellars.

Fortunately, electric freezers are standard in most households these days. When you stop and think about all the healthy foods, like MagicKitchen.com meals, and delicious desserts you can store in your freezer just a door-handle away, it’s a game changer. And it’s a good reason to celebrate National Frozen Food Month.

sub-zeroWho invented the electric freezer?

A guy named Westye Bakke went to work for the refrigerator company Frigidaire in 1926 as a salesman. It was a good learning experience for the experienced entrepreneur, who previously operated a motorcycle business with his brother. And it got him thinking about how cool it would be to have an electric freezer. So he turned in his notice at Frigidaire, developed a working electric freezer, and started filling freezer orders for the company he named SubZero. It was so successful, popular appliance manufacturers soon copied his idea and began marketing their own electric freezers.

Stock up on frozen food

Kids will tell you the best thing about having a freezer is a place to store ice cream, frozen gelatin squares, and fruit-flavored ice pops. But if you’re the one in charge of making meals, you know the freezer is your lifeline to food storage and easy-to-prepare frozen meals.

If cooking in the kitchen, trying to decide what to eat, or making your way through the grocery store to find all the ingredients in a recipe makes you crazy, give yourself a break and stock up on frozen meals.

Meal Delivery

Stuffed Chicken ana Luisa

Fill your freezer with frozen meals made from fresh ingredients

At MagicKitchen.com, our professional chefs have developed hundreds of health and tasty meals from fresh ingredients, flash frozen them, and packaged them to make it easy to prepare in the microwave. We’ve even created meal plans to meet the needs of picky eaters, and just about anyone with specific dietary needs.

In fact, our line of HomeStyle Healthy Meals includes customized entrees, side dishes and desserts for the following special diets: diabetic, dairy-free, gluten-free, low-carbohydrate, low-cholesterol, low-fat, low-sodium, vegetarian, and even a WeightWatchers PointsPlus® option.

If you were trying to make every meal from scratch and keep it healthy, it could take hours of prep and cooking time in the kitchen. But it doesn’t have to be that way, thanks to Mr. Bakke and his invention. Just stock up on your favorite MagicKitchen.com meals, put them in the freezer, and you can be eating a hot and healthy meal in minutes. Pretty cool, right?

Give us a call at 877-516-2442 or visit our site at MagicKitchen.com to place an order and celebrate National Frozen Food Month with us.

product-collage3

 

Foods for St. Patrick’s Day

March 6th, 2015

cornbeefandcabbageSt. Patrick’s Day is a day for a party all over the United States and of course Ireland, the mother country. Enjoy the day with traditional foods like Corned Beef & Cabbage, Irish Soda Bread, Shepherd’s Pie or Irish Stew. We all know (Or can imagine) what Corned Beef and Cabbage tastes like, but the other dishes might perplex a few readers. Irish Soda bread is a dark quick-bread (meaning using no yeast or other leavener). It has whole meal flour, porridge oats and lots of butter and buttermilk, along with the soda.

Shepherd’s Pie is a classic dish all over the British Isles. Lots of veggies,ground beef or lamb, stock, flour and a bit of red wine, all covered in mashed potatoes, and baked until golden and bubbly. Irish stew uses lamb or mutton,  along with potatoes and barley for a very hearty dish.

Iirsish-bread-dipf you’re not in the mood to throw together a whole feast, here are some smaller recipes that will work just as well. Reuben Braids are the brain child of Kellie Mulleavy, Lambertville, Michigan. What a fabulous and easy way to emulate corned beef and cabbage!

200806-r-avocado-soup-crabNancy Citro’s Emerald Island Dip recipe gives us an easy dish with a wonderful presentation. The shamrock cut-out is perfect for an Irish-themed party.

Chilled Avocado Soup with Crab is just green enough to be pertinent, and definitely delicious enough to be devoured.

Savory cheesecakes like  Pesto Swirled Cheesecake from Elizabeth Jackson, Portland, Oregon, are delightful appetizers, and this one has the requisite green as well as being creamy and divine.

mintbarsReady for some dessert ideas? St. Patrick’s Chocolate & Mint Cheesecake Bars are decadent, creamy, and decidedly green.

Shamrock Milkshake Cupcakes fit the bill, and you can serve them in green cupcake liners.

Last but never least, Martha Stewart, the queen of cuisine, has this dessert recipe to offer:
Lime Squares with Pistachio Graham-Cracker Crust.

20060105_edf_limes04_vert

 

February 28 is Open that Bottle Night – Get Ready!

February 27th, 2015

wine-335672_640The idea of Open That Bottle Night is to finally open that bottle of wine that’s been gathering dust in your basement (or wine cellar), waiting for a special occasion. So take it out, dust it off, then heat up some MagicKitchen.com prepared meals, and enjoy the wine with the meals, along with your significant other.

It got me thinking, though, what other things come in bottles that we could enjoy on that night? How about a fine bottle of beer?

Your favorite liqueur such as Grand Marnier, or a fine brandy,  decanted into a balloon glass would fit the occasion well.

For the kids, how about the old experiment of dropping a mento into a bottle of Coca-Cola? You will want to do that outside or in the bathroom, and be ready for some cleanup! These guys had a lot of fun with it:

Planter_01_grande

It’s time to start your garden, depending on where you are. Use empty plastic bottles to start your seeds.

Maybe you’re not a drinker, but you’d still like to celebrate this awesome holiday, this significant day? You could drink a bottled coffee or tea. Don’t drink caffeine?  Open a bottle of sparkling water, with a lime twist.

Don’t forget your pets on this special occasion!

There are other things you can do for your pets. Apparently you can buy your dog or cat fine (alcohol-free) wine. With names like Pinot Leasheo, how can you go wrong!

Stock up on bottles and get ready for the best holiday of all, Open that Bottle Night!

Melody, MagicKitchen.com blogger

February is American Heart Month

February 20th, 2015

heart-590222_640It’s right there in the middle of your chest and, at a minimum, you sense its presence everyday and can feel its activity at various pulse points around your body. However, many of us take it, and what it does, for granted until something goes wrong, sorta like a car. But unlike a car, it’s vital to our very existence, and far too many of us take few or no preventative measures to ensure it continues to, well, keep us alive.

Why the hell is that? Over 600,000 people die from heart disease in this country every year. That means one in every four deaths is due to heart disease of some kind! Over 720,000 Americans experience a heart attack every year. Even more staggering, for the most part, all of these deaths and heart attacks are preventable! Yet we still go about our lives, not exercising, still smoking and drinking excessively, eating artery clogging foods, and blithely unaware of important numbers, such as our blood pressure or cholesterol levels.

heartmonthDo I have your attention yet? I hope so, because that’s the whole point of the American Heart Associations’ designation of February as American heart month, to raise awareness of these issues. However, awareness will not improve your cardiovascular system, only action on your part will, and not just during the shortest month of the year. To improve your heart health, these lifestyle changes must take on the aspect of permanency.

Make the necessary changes to your diet, like reducing or eliminating saturated and trans fats and eating more fruits and vegetables? Yeah, that needs to be a permanent lifestyle change, not just something you do for a month or two. And this one change can have the beneficial effects of reducing your weight and lowering both your blood pressure and cholesterol levels. MagicKitchen.com can help with that, give us a call toll-free at 877-516-2442.

Vow to get at least 30-60 minutes of exercise on at least five days a week? You guessed it…that’s gotta happen almost every week of the year for you to reap the benefits and fend off the grim reaper (sorry, couldn’t resist). We’re not suggesting that you go hike the Pacific Coast Trail here, like that woman did in the hit movie Wild, but a 45 minute walk most days of the week will, like changes to your diet, reduce your weight and lower your blood pressure and cholesterol levels, and go a long way to improving your heart health.

strong-heartEliminated your use of tobacco products and reduced your alcohol intake? As I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, you can’t slide back down that slippery slope and start smoking like a chimney and drinking like you were back in college ever again.

Relax, by making these three changes a permanent part of your lifestyle does not mean you’ve just entered a nunnery or monastery (after all, taking a vow of celibacy would eliminate one pleasurable source of physical activity). You can still eat the occasional dessert or awaken a bit hung-over once in a while, just refrain from doing it after every meal, or awaken that way every morning! Your heart, and your loved ones, will thank you for it!

Steve, MagicKitchen.com blogger