April is National Humor Month, so get your jokes on! Here are a few of my favorite (clean) jokes. Do you have any you want to add?
“No problem,” replies the owner.
So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror.
It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster.
What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there’s nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers softly, “Unhook… my… suspenders… from… your… side-view… mirror.”
A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body.
When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand.
“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.” There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door.
“Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”
To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty. “But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer. “It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.” “Who is that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer. “Your client.” Came the reply.
Obligatory Blonde Joke
The blond burst into tears, and his wife couldn’t comfort him. “They were participating in a risky sport, and they knew the dangers,” she said.
Through his tears, the blond man said “But that’s just so terrible! How many is a Brazilian?”
(Ok, I made a few judicious gender changes).
“Well, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your forehead, so we named you after that.”
Her sister asks the same question, “Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?”
“Well, when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your forehead, so we named you after that.”
The third sister goes, “mwwaaarrrghh,” and the mom says, “What’s that, Cinderblock?”
Did you enjoy those? Send in your favorite clean jokes!