Monthly Archives: April 2015

It’s National Humor Month!

April is National Humor Month, so get your jokes on! Here are a few of my favorite (clean) jokes. Do you have any you want to add?

tiredWhy am I so tired?

For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!
ferrariThe Ferrari and the Moped
A young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand-new Ferrari 550. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.An old fellow on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny new car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”The young man replies, “A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!””That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?””Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the owner.

So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror.

It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster.

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped.

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there’s nothing he can do.

Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers softly, “Unhook… my… suspenders… from… your… side-view… mirror.”

crime_criminal_procedure2The Client

A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body.
When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand.

“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.” There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door.
“Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”

To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty. “But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer. “It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.” “Who is that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer. “Your client.” Came the reply.

Obligatory Blonde Joke

blondA blond man and his wife were watching the evening news together. The newsreader said “In international news, a disaster near Rio de Janeiro today. Five Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident ”

The blond burst into tears, and his wife couldn’t comfort him. “They were participating in a risky sport, and they knew the dangers,” she said.

Through his tears, the blond man said “But that’s just so terrible! How many is a Brazilian?”

(Ok, I made a few judicious gender changes).

Kids’ Names

rosseA little girl goes up to her mom and asks, “Mommy, why did you name me Rose?”

“Well, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your forehead, so we named you after that.”

Her sister asks the same question, “Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?”

“Well, when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your forehead, so we named you after that.”

The third sister goes, “mwwaaarrrghh,” and the mom says, “What’s that, Cinderblock?”

Did you enjoy those? Send in your favorite clean jokes!

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Hearty Mother’s Day Meals

date-meals2Created using top quality fresh meats and produce, MagicKitchen.com guarantees you heartwarming mother’s day meals that will melt her heart. For the most important woman in your life, a MagicKitchen.com gift certificate will be a well deserved treat. What could be better than letting her choose her own meal? All you have to do is select your delivery method and include a loving mother’s day greeting on the certificate.

Nothing says “I love you, mom” better than our hearty variety of meals that will add an amazing spread to the day. Our season special Mother’s Day deals include home-delivered delectable treats that will tempt anyone’s tastebuds. Regardless of the distance between you and your mother, these edible MagicKitchen.com treats that come from the heart will show her how special she is to you.

dutch-apple-pieIf chocolates are her guilty pleasure, our chocolate ganache cake and double fudge brownies will do just the trick. If she loves fruit desserts, delicious lemon tarts, panna cotta or Dutch apple pie will be perfect for any mother’s day spread.

Give her cause for celebration with friends and family with our hearty chicken pot pie, breaded tilapia or a variety of many other scrumptious meals. Forget the bunch of flowers this year. Let her put her feet up and relax over a good MagicKitchen.com meal. The least you can do for this saint of a woman is treat her to a day full of food excitement.

Although mothers deserve more than one special day a year, giving a gift from the heart will give her cause to feel special for the rest of the year. Wherever she is, our affordable delivery options are flexible for all areas in the continental U.S., Alaska and Hawaii. Don’t miss out on the special moments. At MagicKitchen.com our food tells a story. We believe that you’re the only one who knows what your mother’s heart sounds like from the inside. No one can take her place. These special meals will go a long way towards telling her so.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Mother’s Day Note: There’s a special 10% off deal on Desserts packages on now! Keep your eye on that page for seasonal specials!

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Crockpots: the Death of Flavor

crockpotHello faithful readers, my name is flavor and I continually suffer a long, slow death at the hands (or handles) of my arch nemesis, the crockpot. It matters not if I am attached to a fine pork roast, short ribs, a creamy soup or what was thought to be a zesty chili, the results are always the same. I slowly dissipate and eventually disappear altogether as the crockpot, set on an overly low setting, cooks hour after hour and very gradually leads to my total destruction, leaving not a single trace of my existence behind.

The primary reason for my recurring death in homes across the country has to do with the fact that when food is cooked at a low temperature for hours, it becomes overly dry and I simply get cooked off as the food I’m associated with simmers and simmers and simmers and…you get the point! Yes, you can attempt to save me by adding a variety of spices and herbs, such as garlic, onions, shallots, rosemary, thyme, or peppers of varying colors. However, it is all in vain as they only prolong my ultimate demise as I am even forced to flee from them as the crockpot continues its relentless and evil slow-roasting, murderous onslaught against me.

After I have been eradicated, my descriptive counterparts, bland, blah, tasteless, and unsavory move in and set up shop in your crockpot, biding their time until they can underwhelm the unsuspecting palates of your family, friend and guests. They thrive while I simply attempt to survive within the confines of your crockpot, but even I cannot stand against the four horsemen of the flavor-killing apocalypse in an environment that’s conducive to their growth and proliferation. Deliberately, they plot my ultimate end, and I am powerless against them. Oh, the humanity.

For the sake of all that’s flavorful and good in this world, please allow your crockpot to collect dust at the back of a cabinet, in a closet, or, better yet, in your basement and find a savory and palatable alternative, such as grilling, broiling or baking with fresh produce and spices.

Of course, one extremely convenient alternative is provided by MagicKitchen.com in the form of delicious and divine entrees, side dishes and desserts, all prepared to keep me very much alive and prominent while banishing the four horsemen of the flavor-killing apocalypse to that great crockpot in Hades, where they belong. MagicKitchen.com prepares all its dishes with me first and foremost in their minds, even the recipes designed for those of you with specific needs or medical conditions, such as diabetes, high blood pressure, or certain allergies. They use the freshest ingredients and deliver these delectable treats right to your door and they don’t even own a crockpot.

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Did you Know we Have Gluten-Free Meals?

gluten-free1Some people aren’t aware of the extent of our menu for people on special diets. but it’s true we do have  gluten-free meals for purchase. The benefits of gluten free living are many. Of course, for some it is a necessity. For those with Celiac disease, gluten is the enemy, and even a hint of an ingredient with gluten can make them very sick. Also for those with IBS, gluten is something to avoid.

But what about people without those afflictions? Many people in the US and Canada are going gluten free because it makes them feel better overall. I personally know a man in his fifties who tried it for a few weeks and felt less…shall we say, flatulent. Others with types of auto-immune disease are trying it as well, in hopes of relief from their symptoms.

Many people across the country are using gluten-free diets as a weight-loss plan. Why not? It eliminates pasta, bread and pastries. If you’re eating a lot of those, cutting them out will definitely cut the calories down. But as Prevention.com warns, “Gluten-free products can be high in calories, fat, and carbohydrates, and some people who go gluten-free actually gain weight. That said, so long as you continue to eat a balanced diet, cutting gluten probably won’t cause any harm.”

gluten-free meals
Chicken ana Luisa, a gluten free meal

Whatever your reason for going on a gluten-free diet, we have you covered with gluten free meals which taste delicious, and will make your day so much easier with less meal prep.

For those with Celiac Disease, you should know that:

  • Our products have not been individually lab tested but we have offered this list of items to our customers for several years with no reported problems.
  • We use the following criteria to determine if our products should be listed as gluten-free: Celiac.com list.

 

 

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