Category Archives: Humor

The Obscure Origins of April Fool’s Day

You’ve all heard the stories, right?  From the fooler or foolee that executed or was victimized by the ultimate April Fool’s joke.  Hell, it was only a year ago that I regaled readers of this blog about my wife and her mother “fooling” me into believing that we were on the verge of birthing triplets, to include ancestral proof and an ultrasound video of the trio.

Another classic April Fool’s story was applied on a national scale when sportswriter, George Plimpton, wrote of New York Mets fireball pitcher, Sidd Finch, in the April 1, 1985 edition of Sports Illustrated.

Plimpton claimed that Finch was raised in an English orphanage, studied Buddhism, and could throw a baseball an astounding 168 miles-per-hour.  Mets fans were ecstatic, networks and newspapers rushed to interview the yoga-practicing phenomenon, and batters feared for their lives.  And it was all a hoax conceived by Plimpton, Sports Illustrated and (gasp!) even the Mets were in on it.  All involved came clean in the April 15th issue.  But where and how did this tradition of fooling people begin?  And why on April 1st?

Let’s answer the second question first.  The month of April is named after the Greek goddess of wit, mirth and laughter, Aprilis.  Aprilis was the daughter of Aphrodite (goddess of love and pleasure, among other things) and Dionysus (god of wine, parties and ecstasy among other things).  With a lineage like that, it’s easy to understand why Aprilis was fond of a god-awful good time.

Zeus eventually tasked Aprilis with making him laugh at other’s expense.  In other words, he had Aprilis use her significant humorous wit to develop and initiate practical jokes on the other gods and goddesses.

Aprilis once famously replaced Hades’ fearsome, three-headed dog, Cerberus, with a fluffy, three-headed bunny named Mazeménos, which roughly translates to “cuddly.”  Simultaneously, she convinced her father to replace the deadly waters of the River Styx with wine which the damned promptly used throw a massive party during which they all became thoroughly inebriated.  Hades failed to see the humor in all this.  However, Zeus laughed his ass off.  Now that we know the answer to the first query, let’s tackle the second.

During the Renaissance, when the artists, authors and royalty of Europe re-discovered the works of ancient Greece, some came across the stories of the heretofore obscure minor goddess, Aprilis.  One future king who reveled in the exploits of Aprilis was Henry VIII of England.

Before Henry wed six different women and had two of them beheaded, he was an impetuous youth with too much time on his hands, which could probably be said of many princes.  After all, he had an older brother, Arthur, who would ascend to the English throne rather than Henry.  Therefore, as the second born male heir, Henry was pretty much left to do as he pleased.

Young Henry quickly fell in with his father’s court jester, Stephen.  A quick word about Renaissance court jesters, or “fools” as they were sometimes called.  They certainly were not vacuous, dim-witted men prancing around in tights and a four-cornered hat complete with bells, juggling beer steins while telling crude jokes.  A Jester was, in fact, a highly intelligent individual chosen for his rapier-like wit and ability to challenge all at court with his biting sarcasm and humorous insults.  Sounds a bit like the goddess of wit, mirth and laughter, does it not?

Anyway, young Henry and Stephen had a grand time “punking” any and all members of Henry VII’s court.  And Stephen, with the protection of the young prince, was able to get away with murder, so-to-speak.  Even after Henry’s older brother, Arthur, died in 1502, making Henry next in line to the throne, he kept Stephen close and used him as an unofficial adviser.

However, this relationship displeased many at court, including Henry’s father who considered Stephen a nuisance at best and a corrupting influence on Henry at worst.  Eventually, Henry VIII’s father had the Duke of Leister accuse Stephen of treasonous activities.  A show trial ensued and Stephen was locked away in the Tower of London in 1508, never to be seen again.  His fate, to this day, remains unknown.

After Henry VIII ascended to the throne in 1509 and throughout his reign, he never forgot his childhood friend who could so easily make him laugh.  As Henry wrestled with the affairs of church and state, he often remembered those carefree days spent with Stephen as they roamed the halls and rooms at Windsor Castle and Hampton Court.  It is believed that largely due to these memories, Henry desired to set aside a special day in which practical jokes were not only accepted, but encouraged, in honor of his first and only true friend, Stephen.

And what better day to celebrate the memory of Stephen, than on the first day of the month named after the goddess of wit, mirth and laughter, Aprilis?  So there you have it, the long, convoluted and somewhat touching story of the origins of April Fool’s Day.  And yes, this entire story is a total work of fiction in the tradition of the tale of Sidd Finch.  I have no idea of the true origins of April Fool’s Day as I feared if I did know the true facts, they would seep into this fictionalized version.  Happy April Fool’s Day.

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Deals for Every Season

For this blog post I was asked by the powers that be, aka “the Man,” (who in this case is a very pleasant woman named Melody)…anyway, I was asked by Melody to highlight MagicKitchen.com’s special seasonal deals that are located here http://www.magickitchen.com/seasonal-special-deals.html.

However, she gave me free rein (her mistake) to write about these deals as I saw fit.  And since I recently rediscovered 1980s rap music, I decided to write a song, or “flow” about MagicKitchen and their awesome seasonal deals.  If you’re not a rap fan, don’t worry, just think of it as a Shakespearean sonnet…ok, I just re-read it…I wouldn’t use “Shakespearean” to describe it.  If you do like rap, then just lay down a phat beat and let it flow.  Play this one below, for full effect.

Deals for Every Season

Lookin’ for a good deal, with profound appeal

Not forced to chase it in your automobile.

Then MagicKitchen’s for you, no drive through,

Just delicious meals that will soon ensue.

Delivered to your door, not from a store,

But prepared by a chef, perhaps named Steph.

Prepared with fresh ingredients, we’re always expedient

And to your needs we’re quite obedient.

The meal’s flash frozen, then it goes in

A container that’s been chosen

To deliver your food, with proper attitude

And little to no ineptitude.

Seasonal deals we got, they’re smokin’ hot

Just check our site, that’s the upshot.

Deals change every season in this age of reason

So take advantage, it’s not like it’s treason.

Beef Bourguignon- tender beef & mushrooms in wine sauce. -gluten free

Specials depend on the holiday.  It’s like a buffet

That’s so easy to order, it could be child’s play.

Could be for Valentine your herr or fräulein

Wants a romantic meal he or she can’t decline.

So check our page, don’t disengage

From our meals that stick to your rib cage.

Peace, out (insert mic drop here).

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Quit Messin’ Around: How to Eat Healthier in 2017

Yes, devoted reader, it’s time to set yourself up for failure once again by making a non-specific (eat healthier) and unattainable (cut out ALL junk food) New Year’s resolution.  Those two reasons, setting broad and impossible to achieve goals, are why 92% of all resolutions made are doomed to failure.

Look, a resolution is nothing more than a goal and we (or someone else…think boss or significant other) set goals for ourselves all the time, either in our professional or private lives.  And the rules for goal-setting also apply to end-of-year resolution-setting, and they are: make your goal/resolution as specific as possible and make it attainable.  Therefore, let’s combine those two rules with your vague resolution to eat better in 2017.

vegetables-449950_640Rule number one: make your “eating better” resolution as specific as possible.  Instead of “I resolve (sounds like you’re on the floor of the Senate) to eat better in 2017,” resolve to “eat five helpings of fruits and vegetables most days of the week…that would be four or more for the numerically challenged out there like your esteemed author.  Why only “most” days of the week?  DUH!…remember rule number two…make your goal achievable.

Or how about printing a list of healthy “superfoods” you’ve never eaten and resolving to try at least one item on that list every week of 2017?  Better yet, turn it into a checklist, then, check each item off and make a few notes about that item, such as “If anyone is trying to torture me for information, just threaten me with Brussels sprouts and I’ll tell them everything.”

Ok, last example of a specific goal: “I resolve to eat at least one meal per day that contains

Flaxseed
Flaxseed

no processed foods.” Like a meal comprised of roast chicken and potatoes with a side of green beans.  In fact, we here at MagicKitchen offer a number of meals that fit this category in our portion controlled and signature meals sections.  It’s a great way to keep your resolution as we do most of the work, all that’s required of you is to heat and enjoy!

Rule number two: make your goal achievable, but not too easily achievable, there must be an element of resolve (hence the term “resolution”) and sacrifice involved.  Please don’t resolve to adopt a diet of nothing but kale, honey and quinoa for all of 2017.  My guess is that you’re going to fall off the wagon with that resolution.  How about, “I resolve to

substitute either kale, honey, or quinoa for an unhealthy item I usually eat at least every other day.  Or if you can’t stand kale, (which is perfectly understandable), try one of these new superfoods for 2017.  And then track each time you make that substitution on a calendar.

Here are a few other tips to help you achieve your specific resolution that involves eating healthier in 2017:

  • Take a grocery list to the supermarket and stick to it.
  • Choose fresh or frozen food over canned.
  • Spinach-Mushroom Lasagna with Green Beans from MagicKitchen.com
    Spinach-Mushroom Lasagna with Green Beans from MagicKitchen.com

    Plan ahead by making menus and, as with the rule above, stick to them!

  • Don’t drink your calories…stay away from the sugary drinks.
  • Patrol the edges of your grocery store where the fresh produce, meats, dairy and whole grains are located.
  • Try out MagicKitchen.com complete meals for a change of pace. No rules, no sign-ups, no commitments required, try one or many.
  • Eat a lot of different colors when it comes to fruits and vegetables.
  • Replace dessert with fruit or at least add fruit to your dessert.
  • Accept the fact that you’re going to backslide a few times during the year…get over it and then get back on the horse or wagon or both. I’m not sure which.
  • Publicize your resolution to all who are willing to listen and tell them to nag you throughout the year. Also, write it down and stick it to both the doors of your fridge and pantry.
  • Finally, remember that doing something towards attaining or keeping your resolution is better than quitting and doing nothing…little steps matter!

So, good luck as you resolve to eat healthier in 2017 and remember to follow the two main rules (and various tips) and perhaps you’ll be part of the 8% that successfully stick to their resolutions through the entire year. May your New Year be a healthy and happy one!

 

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The Solution for Those Who Hate Cooking in Summer

fireinpanThere’s a reason two of the more popular kitchen clichés involve the word “heat” (“If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen” and “That’s taking the heat out of a hot kitchen”).  And that reason is because it can get frickin’ hot in the kitchen, especially during the summer months.

Think about it…it’s 90 degrees out there with 87% humidity and you’ve got the stove cranking at 425° and two boiling pots going on the stovetop.  That combination tends to cause one to sweat their (fill in the blank) off!  The grill does offer a solution, but there’s only so much grilled meat, seafood, and veggies one can eat.  The solution, obviously, is to have some cooked meals delivered to your home via the magic of MagicKitchen.com.

Lasagna without using the oven!
Lasagna without using the oven!

Every so often, during the summer months, wouldn’t it be nice to have a delicious, non-grilled meal, already cooked, waiting for you and your family in the freezer?  You bet your a$$ it would!  No marinating, no firing up the grill or oven, no prep work, no time spent cooking in a kitchen that doubles as a sauna in summer, no worrying about over or under cooking the entrée…the “no” list goes on and on.

Beef Pot Roast dinner, just heat in microwave.
Beef Pot Roast dinner, just heat in microwave.

The only work required by you is to simply place your pre-prepared and cooked meals in the non-heat producing microwave, watch it spin for a few minutes, and then present the meal in a pleasing manner to friends and/or family.  You can then, if you so desire, simply brush off all the praise heaped upon you for spending so much time and effort in a hot kitchen to prepare such an awesome meal…or you could simply tell them our little secret… cooked meals delivered from MagicKitchen.com

Custless Spinach Quiche
Crustless Spinach Quiche

MagicKitchen offers quite a variety of foods not usually eaten during summer, but are still missed none-the-less.  Sure, August is a great time for summer salads and grilled salmon, but there’s only so many summer salads and grilled cuts of fish one person can eat.  How about a nice change of pace with an appetizing Stuffed Peppers with Marinara Sauce, or Chicken Marsala, or crab cakes, or lasagna, or crustless spinach quiche?  And best of all, they come right to your door, frozen and ready to enjoy after a few minutes in the microwave.  Simply check out MagicKitchen.com’s extensive cooked meals delivered menu, select what appeals to you and then wait for the FedEx truck to deliver your delectable dinners all while not sweating your (fill in the blank with a different body part from the first fill in the blank) in a tropical kitchen!

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Here Comes Shark Week: Your Fears can be Delicious

shark-surfThere’s a commonly held belief…rule, really… held by surfers that one should never eat shark.  It’s a karma kinda thing…why tempt fate by eating what might someday eat you out there on the waves.

However, the vast majority of us do not surf, therefore, we are in no way bound by the surfing rule regarding sharks.  And since the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week is upon us once again, we thought this week would be the perfect time to confront your fear of the ocean’s greatest predator head on…with your teeth, in fact.

So, as you violate Bruce’s (the great white from Finding Nemo) rule of “Fish are friends, not food,” there is one important rule that we would like you to follow.  And that rule is when you’re in search of the shark for your Shark Week viewing party, ensure that it’s a sustainable species as the horrible practices of shark finning and factory fishing have decimated many species of sharks.

makoThe Monterey Bay Aquarium’s Seafood Watch program recommends the spiny dogfish shark from California, Oregon or Washington or the common thresher or smallfin mako sharks from California or Hawaii.

If you’ve never eaten shark, most find it lean, mild and meaty.  It tends to be denser than tuna or swordfish and doesn’t flake as easily.  Most recipes call for the meat to be marinated prior to cooking to add some flavor, tenderness and to prevent dryness.  As one might expect, steak is the most common and easiest way to prepare shark.  So we thought we’d give you two variations on this method: shark tacos and shark kabobs.

Shark Tacos

 Marinade

  • 1/2 cup olive oil
  • 1 tbsp. ground turmeric
  • ½ tbsp. crushed mustard seed
  • ½ tbsp. minced ginger
  • 1 garlic clove, minced
  • 2 scallions, sliced
  • 1-2 tbsp. chopped cilantro
  • Cracked black pepper and sea salt
  • 1 lb. shark steaks, 1 inch thick
  • 8 flour tortillas
  • 1 cup finely shredded cabbage tossed with 1 tbsp. chopped cilantro and a pinch of sea salt
  • Tomatillo salsa (either prepared or purchased)
  • sriracha

Mix the marinade ingredients together in a shallow bowl, sprinkle steaks with sea salt and marinade for 20 minutes.
Grill, broil, or pan fry the shark steaks until they flake easily with a fork, usually 5-6 minutes for each side.  Roughly flake steaks with a fork.

To serve: placed flaked shark meat in warm tortillas and top with cabbage, chilled salsa and sriracha.

Shark Kebabs

Marinade

  • ½ cup rice wine
  • Lemon juice
  • ¼ tsp ground ginger
  • 3 tbsp. peanut oil
  • ½ cup dry sherry
  • 1 garlic clove, minced
  • 1 ½ lbs. shark steaks cut into 1 x 1 inch squares.
  • Large mushrooms
  • Onion wedges
  • Red and yellow pepper wedges
  • Bamboo skewers

shark-kebabsMix marinade ingredients in a bowl large enough to hold shark meat and allow to marinade for two hours in refrigerator.

Alternate meat, onions, mushrooms and peppers on kabob skewers and grill or broil 10-15 minutes while marinating liberally and often with remaining marinade sauce while rotating a quarter turn every 3 minutes or so.  Shark meat should fake easily with fork when fully cooked.

Kabobs can be served on a bed of rice of your choosing.

Tbruce-sharkhus you can see, there’s no need to get a bigger boat, fish CAN be food rather than friends, and unless you plan on carving up a wave any time soon you can certainly enjoy some shark without the fear of the roles being reversed.  So fire up the grill and enjoy!

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Today is National Kitchen Klutzes of America Day

There are  lot of strange holidays, and this is one of our favorites. Celebrate your klutziness!

disaster1A klutz is someone who is clumsy, which can be truly dangerous in the kitchen.  Here are a few true kitchen disaster stories to celebrate the day. If you’re a kitchen klutz, save time and energy and buy some MagicKitchen.com meals instead!

It even happens to real chefs:

Clark Frasier And The Great Cheese Explosion
As anyone who’s attended a state fair can tell you, few things can’t be deep-fried. There are caveats, though — just ask Clark Frasier, the co-chef and co-owner of Maine restaurants Arrows and MC Perkins Cove. He once attempted to make a Latin-inspired cheese fritter, whipping up a farmer’s-cheese filling, encasing portions of it in dough and placing the little packets of deliciousness in the deep fryer. When they’d turned a beautiful deep gold color, he removed them — and then the explosions started. One fritter blew up and hit the ceiling, another went off in Frasier’s face and burned his lips. When the gooey blobs had disaster2settled, Frasier figured out that the dough he’d used was too tough, so the moisture in the cheese couldn’t release into the oil (and, therefore, shot out with a vengeance all over the kitchen). With a little research, Frasier might have known that it would’ve been better either to use a softer dough or just to fry the cheese on its own. Lesson: If you’re trying something brand new (and it involves hot oil or another potentially dangerous cooking element), do a quick Google search to make sure you aren’t setting yourself up for disaster.
-Huffington post

Here are a few stories from the Internet:

-my aunt put a few cans of baked beans in the oven to heat. She didn’t open them first, and they made a huge mess when the cans exploded.

My disaster moment came the day I disaster3thought it would be a good idea to save some dishes and just brown the veggies for my crock pot meal in the crock on the stove. When it cracked it sounded like someone had shot off a gun next to me. We ate out that night.

oh my. my husband (before we were married) and I were making some food for a group of friends we were having over. he was in charge of the rice. easy, right? … he had gone out and bought a 1kg bag (2lbs) of rice. he thought this would be a good amount to cook, suitable for the 10 people that were coming. he later called me telling me the rice would not stop “growing” out of the pot! they filled up 2 or 3 more pots with the rice that was overflowing and were scooping it with a dustpan since it was all he could find that was big enough to curb the disaster! i laughed for months. now, he laughs too

-It was my first year being married and my husband and I were spending it alone in Minnesota without any relatives or the normal family traditions to comfort us. I had planned dinner to be a combination of the best of both of our family favorites until the dog jumped up, knocking my elbow, sending the casserole across the room and eventually taking out a house plant and a freshly baked pie. I thought the world had ended.

We hope you enjoyed these stories, let us know if you have any of your own to share!

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Beam me up a Delicious Meal, Scotty!

transporterImagine this: you glance into your freezer and are unable to locate your next delectable MagicKitchen.com meal. You then simply place your order online, wait a few seconds, and voila, your meal materializes in front of your eyes on your transporter platform (which could be conveniently placed on your dining room table). You then pour a glass of wine and sit down to enjoy your dinner. This scenario could happen…sometime in the 23rd century.

Yes, if we had this Star Trek technology today we, and you, could save big bucks on shipping and dry ice costs as the only things that would be able to disable the transporter would be solar flares, ion storms, and electromagnetic and nucleonic radiation. However, while we have few ion storms here on earth, we, unfortunately, also have few transporters…wait, make that none.

Just a second, there are other options for teleportation given to us by movies, television programs and comics. Take, for example, the Hollywood movie, The Fly, which comes in two versions, one made in 1958 with Vincent Price and David Hedison and one from 1986 which starred Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis. In each version, a weird amalgamation of fly and human is created when the two are teleported simultaneously. On second thought, scratch that, we could end up with Lasagna-stuffed Sole instead of Crab-stuffed Sole.

drwhoIn the popular British television series, Dr. Who, a T-Mat (transfer matter) system is developed in the mid-21st century, no less, and they actually use it as a food distribution network. Hold on, nix the T-Mat also, as the entire global food distribution system fails after the T-Mat is compromised by the lunar Ice Warriors…too risky.

Finally, Nightcrawler, a blue mutant with a prehensile tail (think opossums and howler monkeys), yellow eyes, and elfin ears has the ability to teleport himself, as well as items within his grasp, via an alternate dimension. Darn, that won’t work either as people won’t take kindly to a blue, monkey-like human with three fingers and two toes suddenly appearing in their homes with a loud bamf-like sound, despite the fact that he’s delivering tempting delicacies.

Since none of these technologies, or Nightcrawler, exists, we are stuck with shipping costs that are inexorably tied to weight, distance and the cost of dry ice that ensures your meals stay frozen while in transport. So, until Dr. Emory Erikson invents the transporter in the early 22nd century, shipping costs will continue to be a necessary evil.

We hope you enjoy your meals despite that added cost! Sign up for our newsletter, and that cost may disappear as you get discounts and deals aimed at our customers.

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June is Dairy Month. Hear about it from MayBelle.

Maybelle
Maybelle

Hello there, it’s your reporter in the field, (literally, I’m in a field in Wisconsin) Maybelle the dairy cow, here to inform the astute and awesome readers of this blog that June is National Dairy Month. Yeah, I know, cows don’t normally write blog posts, especially given the fact that our large hooves make it damn near impossible to type. Be that as it may(belle), here I am, for Magickitchen.com, roving around my electrically enclosed meadow (don’t pee on the fence…just sayin’) conducting interviews with my bovine buddies to get their thoughts on their very personal contributions to National Dairy Month.

As I wended my way through the herd, I heard various comments from my homies about how proud they were of the fact that they contributed the primary ingredient that’s used to create such healthy and delicious food products. For example, Martha stated, “moooo moo mooooo, mooo mooo mo.” Translation: “Just imagine where cereal would be without the fruit of my udders.”

I even managed to get a few grunts from Gus, the resident bull, and, I’m paraphrasing here, but he admitted that he has a severe case of utter udder envy…no BS! And that’s the hard hitting, breaking news that you’ll always get from this bi-colored Holstein.

macaroni and cheeseAnyway, back to the comments made by my milk producing sisters in crime who want to get the word out about the nutritional benefits of the varied dairy products created from our liquid white gold. Mary, who is as intelligent as she is beautiful, claimed that she was a bit disappointed in the fact that many of the humans who consume our dairy products don’t realize the fact that they contain essential nutrients, such as calcium, potassium, protein, and vitamins A and D. I then placed my hoof around Mary’s withers, which is no easy feat, even if I had feet, and promised her that I’d get the word out.

I then discussed the various ways our milk gets transformed into delectable delights to ensure that you humans get those vitamins and minerals you need to support good bone health, fend off osteoporosis and build lean muscle, with my BFF, Mae. She stated, “Whether it’s low-fat, no-fat, 1%, 2%, chocolate, butter or skim, there’s a type of milk out there for you! And don’t even get me started on the variety of cheeses, yogurts and flavors of ice cream to choose from!” That Mae is one smart cow that’s not easily cowed (admit it, that one made you smile).

So why not order a few tempting dishes from Magickitchen.com that contain some nutritious dairy products such as their cheesey Broccoli and Cauliflower with…you guessed it, cheese, or some silky smooth buttered carrots, or how about some macaroni and…wait for it…cheese, and what would their magic mashed potatoes be without milk…not so magical is my guess.

Well, until next June, this is your ungulate field reporter, Maybelle, reminding you to get your daily dose of dairy and to eat more chicken.

Steve, I mean Maybelle, MagicKitchen.com blogger

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It’s National Humor Month!

April is National Humor Month, so get your jokes on! Here are a few of my favorite (clean) jokes. Do you have any you want to add?

tiredWhy am I so tired?

For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!
ferrariThe Ferrari and the Moped
A young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand-new Ferrari 550. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.An old fellow on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny new car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”The young man replies, “A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!””That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?””Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the owner.

So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror.

It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster.

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped.

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there’s nothing he can do.

Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers softly, “Unhook… my… suspenders… from… your… side-view… mirror.”

crime_criminal_procedure2The Client

A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body.
When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand.

“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.” There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door.
“Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”

To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty. “But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer. “It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.” “Who is that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer. “Your client.” Came the reply.

Obligatory Blonde Joke

blondA blond man and his wife were watching the evening news together. The newsreader said “In international news, a disaster near Rio de Janeiro today. Five Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident ”

The blond burst into tears, and his wife couldn’t comfort him. “They were participating in a risky sport, and they knew the dangers,” she said.

Through his tears, the blond man said “But that’s just so terrible! How many is a Brazilian?”

(Ok, I made a few judicious gender changes).

Kids’ Names

rosseA little girl goes up to her mom and asks, “Mommy, why did you name me Rose?”

“Well, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your forehead, so we named you after that.”

Her sister asks the same question, “Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?”

“Well, when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your forehead, so we named you after that.”

The third sister goes, “mwwaaarrrghh,” and the mom says, “What’s that, Cinderblock?”

Did you enjoy those? Send in your favorite clean jokes!

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Crockpots: the Death of Flavor

crockpotHello faithful readers, my name is flavor and I continually suffer a long, slow death at the hands (or handles) of my arch nemesis, the crockpot. It matters not if I am attached to a fine pork roast, short ribs, a creamy soup or what was thought to be a zesty chili, the results are always the same. I slowly dissipate and eventually disappear altogether as the crockpot, set on an overly low setting, cooks hour after hour and very gradually leads to my total destruction, leaving not a single trace of my existence behind.

The primary reason for my recurring death in homes across the country has to do with the fact that when food is cooked at a low temperature for hours, it becomes overly dry and I simply get cooked off as the food I’m associated with simmers and simmers and simmers and…you get the point! Yes, you can attempt to save me by adding a variety of spices and herbs, such as garlic, onions, shallots, rosemary, thyme, or peppers of varying colors. However, it is all in vain as they only prolong my ultimate demise as I am even forced to flee from them as the crockpot continues its relentless and evil slow-roasting, murderous onslaught against me.

After I have been eradicated, my descriptive counterparts, bland, blah, tasteless, and unsavory move in and set up shop in your crockpot, biding their time until they can underwhelm the unsuspecting palates of your family, friend and guests. They thrive while I simply attempt to survive within the confines of your crockpot, but even I cannot stand against the four horsemen of the flavor-killing apocalypse in an environment that’s conducive to their growth and proliferation. Deliberately, they plot my ultimate end, and I am powerless against them. Oh, the humanity.

For the sake of all that’s flavorful and good in this world, please allow your crockpot to collect dust at the back of a cabinet, in a closet, or, better yet, in your basement and find a savory and palatable alternative, such as grilling, broiling or baking with fresh produce and spices.

Of course, one extremely convenient alternative is provided by MagicKitchen.com in the form of delicious and divine entrees, side dishes and desserts, all prepared to keep me very much alive and prominent while banishing the four horsemen of the flavor-killing apocalypse to that great crockpot in Hades, where they belong. MagicKitchen.com prepares all its dishes with me first and foremost in their minds, even the recipes designed for those of you with specific needs or medical conditions, such as diabetes, high blood pressure, or certain allergies. They use the freshest ingredients and deliver these delectable treats right to your door and they don’t even own a crockpot.

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