Category Archives: Humor

Here Comes Shark Week: Your Fears can be Delicious

shark-surfThere’s a commonly held belief…rule, really… held by surfers that one should never eat shark.  It’s a karma kinda thing…why tempt fate by eating what might someday eat you out there on the waves.

However, the vast majority of us do not surf, therefore, we are in no way bound by the surfing rule regarding sharks.  And since the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week is upon us once again, we thought this week would be the perfect time to confront your fear of the ocean’s greatest predator head on…with your teeth, in fact.

So, as you violate Bruce’s (the great white from Finding Nemo) rule of “Fish are friends, not food,” there is one important rule that we would like you to follow.  And that rule is when you’re in search of the shark for your Shark Week viewing party, ensure that it’s a sustainable species as the horrible practices of shark finning and factory fishing have decimated many species of sharks.

makoThe Monterey Bay Aquarium’s Seafood Watch program recommends the spiny dogfish shark from California, Oregon or Washington or the common thresher or smallfin mako sharks from California or Hawaii.

If you’ve never eaten shark, most find it lean, mild and meaty.  It tends to be denser than tuna or swordfish and doesn’t flake as easily.  Most recipes call for the meat to be marinated prior to cooking to add some flavor, tenderness and to prevent dryness.  As one might expect, steak is the most common and easiest way to prepare shark.  So we thought we’d give you two variations on this method: shark tacos and shark kabobs.

Shark Tacos


  • 1/2 cup olive oil
  • 1 tbsp. ground turmeric
  • ½ tbsp. crushed mustard seed
  • ½ tbsp. minced ginger
  • 1 garlic clove, minced
  • 2 scallions, sliced
  • 1-2 tbsp. chopped cilantro
  • Cracked black pepper and sea salt
  • 1 lb. shark steaks, 1 inch thick
  • 8 flour tortillas
  • 1 cup finely shredded cabbage tossed with 1 tbsp. chopped cilantro and a pinch of sea salt
  • Tomatillo salsa (either prepared or purchased)
  • sriracha

Mix the marinade ingredients together in a shallow bowl, sprinkle steaks with sea salt and marinade for 20 minutes.
Grill, broil, or pan fry the shark steaks until they flake easily with a fork, usually 5-6 minutes for each side.  Roughly flake steaks with a fork.

To serve: placed flaked shark meat in warm tortillas and top with cabbage, chilled salsa and sriracha.

Shark Kebabs


  • ½ cup rice wine
  • Lemon juice
  • ¼ tsp ground ginger
  • 3 tbsp. peanut oil
  • ½ cup dry sherry
  • 1 garlic clove, minced
  • 1 ½ lbs. shark steaks cut into 1 x 1 inch squares.
  • Large mushrooms
  • Onion wedges
  • Red and yellow pepper wedges
  • Bamboo skewers

shark-kebabsMix marinade ingredients in a bowl large enough to hold shark meat and allow to marinade for two hours in refrigerator.

Alternate meat, onions, mushrooms and peppers on kabob skewers and grill or broil 10-15 minutes while marinating liberally and often with remaining marinade sauce while rotating a quarter turn every 3 minutes or so.  Shark meat should fake easily with fork when fully cooked.

Kabobs can be served on a bed of rice of your choosing.

Tbruce-sharkhus you can see, there’s no need to get a bigger boat, fish CAN be food rather than friends, and unless you plan on carving up a wave any time soon you can certainly enjoy some shark without the fear of the roles being reversed.  So fire up the grill and enjoy!


Today is National Kitchen Klutzes of America Day

There are  lot of strange holidays, and this is one of our favorites. Celebrate your klutziness!

disaster1A klutz is someone who is clumsy, which can be truly dangerous in the kitchen.  Here are a few true kitchen disaster stories to celebrate the day. If you’re a kitchen klutz, save time and energy and buy some meals instead!

It even happens to real chefs:

Clark Frasier And The Great Cheese Explosion
As anyone who’s attended a state fair can tell you, few things can’t be deep-fried. There are caveats, though — just ask Clark Frasier, the co-chef and co-owner of Maine restaurants Arrows and MC Perkins Cove. He once attempted to make a Latin-inspired cheese fritter, whipping up a farmer’s-cheese filling, encasing portions of it in dough and placing the little packets of deliciousness in the deep fryer. When they’d turned a beautiful deep gold color, he removed them — and then the explosions started. One fritter blew up and hit the ceiling, another went off in Frasier’s face and burned his lips. When the gooey blobs had disaster2settled, Frasier figured out that the dough he’d used was too tough, so the moisture in the cheese couldn’t release into the oil (and, therefore, shot out with a vengeance all over the kitchen). With a little research, Frasier might have known that it would’ve been better either to use a softer dough or just to fry the cheese on its own. Lesson: If you’re trying something brand new (and it involves hot oil or another potentially dangerous cooking element), do a quick Google search to make sure you aren’t setting yourself up for disaster.
-Huffington post

Here are a few stories from the Internet:

-my aunt put a few cans of baked beans in the oven to heat. She didn’t open them first, and they made a huge mess when the cans exploded.

My disaster moment came the day I disaster3thought it would be a good idea to save some dishes and just brown the veggies for my crock pot meal in the crock on the stove. When it cracked it sounded like someone had shot off a gun next to me. We ate out that night.

oh my. my husband (before we were married) and I were making some food for a group of friends we were having over. he was in charge of the rice. easy, right? … he had gone out and bought a 1kg bag (2lbs) of rice. he thought this would be a good amount to cook, suitable for the 10 people that were coming. he later called me telling me the rice would not stop “growing” out of the pot! they filled up 2 or 3 more pots with the rice that was overflowing and were scooping it with a dustpan since it was all he could find that was big enough to curb the disaster! i laughed for months. now, he laughs too

-It was my first year being married and my husband and I were spending it alone in Minnesota without any relatives or the normal family traditions to comfort us. I had planned dinner to be a combination of the best of both of our family favorites until the dog jumped up, knocking my elbow, sending the casserole across the room and eventually taking out a house plant and a freshly baked pie. I thought the world had ended.

We hope you enjoyed these stories, let us know if you have any of your own to share!


Beam me up a Delicious Meal, Scotty!

transporterImagine this: you glance into your freezer and are unable to locate your next delectable meal. You then simply place your order online, wait a few seconds, and voila, your meal materializes in front of your eyes on your transporter platform (which could be conveniently placed on your dining room table). You then pour a glass of wine and sit down to enjoy your dinner. This scenario could happen…sometime in the 23rd century.

Yes, if we had this Star Trek technology today we, and you, could save big bucks on shipping and dry ice costs as the only things that would be able to disable the transporter would be solar flares, ion storms, and electromagnetic and nucleonic radiation. However, while we have few ion storms here on earth, we, unfortunately, also have few transporters…wait, make that none.

Just a second, there are other options for teleportation given to us by movies, television programs and comics. Take, for example, the Hollywood movie, The Fly, which comes in two versions, one made in 1958 with Vincent Price and David Hedison and one from 1986 which starred Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis. In each version, a weird amalgamation of fly and human is created when the two are teleported simultaneously. On second thought, scratch that, we could end up with Lasagna-stuffed Sole instead of Crab-stuffed Sole.

drwhoIn the popular British television series, Dr. Who, a T-Mat (transfer matter) system is developed in the mid-21st century, no less, and they actually use it as a food distribution network. Hold on, nix the T-Mat also, as the entire global food distribution system fails after the T-Mat is compromised by the lunar Ice Warriors…too risky.

Finally, Nightcrawler, a blue mutant with a prehensile tail (think opossums and howler monkeys), yellow eyes, and elfin ears has the ability to teleport himself, as well as items within his grasp, via an alternate dimension. Darn, that won’t work either as people won’t take kindly to a blue, monkey-like human with three fingers and two toes suddenly appearing in their homes with a loud bamf-like sound, despite the fact that he’s delivering tempting delicacies.

Since none of these technologies, or Nightcrawler, exists, we are stuck with shipping costs that are inexorably tied to weight, distance and the cost of dry ice that ensures your meals stay frozen while in transport. So, until Dr. Emory Erikson invents the transporter in the early 22nd century, shipping costs will continue to be a necessary evil.

We hope you enjoy your meals despite that added cost! Sign up for our newsletter, and that cost may disappear as you get discounts and deals aimed at our customers.


June is Dairy Month. Hear about it from MayBelle.


Hello there, it’s your reporter in the field, (literally, I’m in a field in Wisconsin) Maybelle the dairy cow, here to inform the astute and awesome readers of this blog that June is National Dairy Month. Yeah, I know, cows don’t normally write blog posts, especially given the fact that our large hooves make it damn near impossible to type. Be that as it may(belle), here I am, for, roving around my electrically enclosed meadow (don’t pee on the fence…just sayin’) conducting interviews with my bovine buddies to get their thoughts on their very personal contributions to National Dairy Month.

As I wended my way through the herd, I heard various comments from my homies about how proud they were of the fact that they contributed the primary ingredient that’s used to create such healthy and delicious food products. For example, Martha stated, “moooo moo mooooo, mooo mooo mo.” Translation: “Just imagine where cereal would be without the fruit of my udders.”

I even managed to get a few grunts from Gus, the resident bull, and, I’m paraphrasing here, but he admitted that he has a severe case of utter udder envy…no BS! And that’s the hard hitting, breaking news that you’ll always get from this bi-colored Holstein.

macaroni and cheeseAnyway, back to the comments made by my milk producing sisters in crime who want to get the word out about the nutritional benefits of the varied dairy products created from our liquid white gold. Mary, who is as intelligent as she is beautiful, claimed that she was a bit disappointed in the fact that many of the humans who consume our dairy products don’t realize the fact that they contain essential nutrients, such as calcium, potassium, protein, and vitamins A and D. I then placed my hoof around Mary’s withers, which is no easy feat, even if I had feet, and promised her that I’d get the word out.

I then discussed the various ways our milk gets transformed into delectable delights to ensure that you humans get those vitamins and minerals you need to support good bone health, fend off osteoporosis and build lean muscle, with my BFF, Mae. She stated, “Whether it’s low-fat, no-fat, 1%, 2%, chocolate, butter or skim, there’s a type of milk out there for you! And don’t even get me started on the variety of cheeses, yogurts and flavors of ice cream to choose from!” That Mae is one smart cow that’s not easily cowed (admit it, that one made you smile).

So why not order a few tempting dishes from that contain some nutritious dairy products such as their cheesey Broccoli and Cauliflower with…you guessed it, cheese, or some silky smooth buttered carrots, or how about some macaroni and…wait for it…cheese, and what would their magic mashed potatoes be without milk…not so magical is my guess.

Well, until next June, this is your ungulate field reporter, Maybelle, reminding you to get your daily dose of dairy and to eat more chicken.

Steve, I mean Maybelle, blogger


It’s National Humor Month!

April is National Humor Month, so get your jokes on! Here are a few of my favorite (clean) jokes. Do you have any you want to add?

tiredWhy am I so tired?

For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!
ferrariThe Ferrari and the Moped
A young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand-new Ferrari 550. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.An old fellow on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny new car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”The young man replies, “A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!””That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?””Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the owner.

So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror.

It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster.

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped.

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there’s nothing he can do.

Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers softly, “Unhook… my… suspenders… from… your… side-view… mirror.”

crime_criminal_procedure2The Client

A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body.
When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand.

“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.” There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door.
“Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.”

To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty. “But how could you say that he is guilty? Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer. “It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.” “Who is that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer. “Your client.” Came the reply.

Obligatory Blonde Joke

blondA blond man and his wife were watching the evening news together. The newsreader said “In international news, a disaster near Rio de Janeiro today. Five Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident ”

The blond burst into tears, and his wife couldn’t comfort him. “They were participating in a risky sport, and they knew the dangers,” she said.

Through his tears, the blond man said “But that’s just so terrible! How many is a Brazilian?”

(Ok, I made a few judicious gender changes).

Kids’ Names

rosseA little girl goes up to her mom and asks, “Mommy, why did you name me Rose?”

“Well, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your forehead, so we named you after that.”

Her sister asks the same question, “Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?”

“Well, when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your forehead, so we named you after that.”

The third sister goes, “mwwaaarrrghh,” and the mom says, “What’s that, Cinderblock?”

Did you enjoy those? Send in your favorite clean jokes!


Crockpots: the Death of Flavor

crockpotHello faithful readers, my name is flavor and I continually suffer a long, slow death at the hands (or handles) of my arch nemesis, the crockpot. It matters not if I am attached to a fine pork roast, short ribs, a creamy soup or what was thought to be a zesty chili, the results are always the same. I slowly dissipate and eventually disappear altogether as the crockpot, set on an overly low setting, cooks hour after hour and very gradually leads to my total destruction, leaving not a single trace of my existence behind.

The primary reason for my recurring death in homes across the country has to do with the fact that when food is cooked at a low temperature for hours, it becomes overly dry and I simply get cooked off as the food I’m associated with simmers and simmers and simmers and…you get the point! Yes, you can attempt to save me by adding a variety of spices and herbs, such as garlic, onions, shallots, rosemary, thyme, or peppers of varying colors. However, it is all in vain as they only prolong my ultimate demise as I am even forced to flee from them as the crockpot continues its relentless and evil slow-roasting, murderous onslaught against me.

After I have been eradicated, my descriptive counterparts, bland, blah, tasteless, and unsavory move in and set up shop in your crockpot, biding their time until they can underwhelm the unsuspecting palates of your family, friend and guests. They thrive while I simply attempt to survive within the confines of your crockpot, but even I cannot stand against the four horsemen of the flavor-killing apocalypse in an environment that’s conducive to their growth and proliferation. Deliberately, they plot my ultimate end, and I am powerless against them. Oh, the humanity.

For the sake of all that’s flavorful and good in this world, please allow your crockpot to collect dust at the back of a cabinet, in a closet, or, better yet, in your basement and find a savory and palatable alternative, such as grilling, broiling or baking with fresh produce and spices.

Of course, one extremely convenient alternative is provided by in the form of delicious and divine entrees, side dishes and desserts, all prepared to keep me very much alive and prominent while banishing the four horsemen of the flavor-killing apocalypse to that great crockpot in Hades, where they belong. prepares all its dishes with me first and foremost in their minds, even the recipes designed for those of you with specific needs or medical conditions, such as diabetes, high blood pressure, or certain allergies. They use the freshest ingredients and deliver these delectable treats right to your door and they don’t even own a crockpot.


An April Fool’s Story

pregnant-193839_640The set-up: My wife has a fraternal twin brother, of this I am fairly certain (when you get to this story’s conclusion you’ll understand why I use the word “fairly”). Several years ago, as we were having a joyous time attempting to conceive our first child (maybe that was just me having the joyous time), I wondered aloud if twins were common in her family as I had just read an article on genetics and twin…production? (for lack of a better word). I then vocalized my anxiety about raising a child…

The application: Unbeknownst to me, my innocuous query elicited a chain of events in my wife’s mind that was astounding in its nefarious complexity. She claimed that my question spurred her to conduct some web-based ancestral research to determine the answer and after about two weeks of research, produced documentation to the effect that her family had generated (for lack of a better word), 28 sets of twins since the mid-1800s. My reply?…Holy sh*t! Two days later, she informed me that one of our joyous attempts was successful. We were pregnant…

As I’m sure you’ve deduced, my first reactionary thought was, “A BOGO, really, a buy one, get one free deal? I’m not ready for that, am I?” My wife, sensing my trepidation, soothed me with claims that the odds favored a singlet. It didn’t work. I always thought it was the mother who initiated the “nesting” procedures, that it was a maternal, not a paternal instinct. In this instance, I couldn’t have been more wrong. I immediately began pricing cribs, diapers, diaper genies, and…college tuition.

shocked2The big day finally arrived. No, not the delivery day, the ultrasound. For some reason, my wife scheduled it the same day I arrived home from an unavoidable business trip and claimed it couldn’t be rescheduled. I would miss the appointment. My wife feigned indifference as her mother would be accompanying her and the ultrasound tech was a close friend of hers.

Needless to say, I wasn’t as focused on “thinking outside the box” and “hitting the ground running” as I should have been during my meetings. To make matters worse, I kept going straight to voice-mail when I called my wife with the new kangaroo pouch. When I arrived home, my wife stated that the ultrasound had gone well and that we were NOT, in fact having twins. Thank God, crisis avoided…we were having triplets…shut the front door! She then proceeded to play the ultrasound video for me, and there they were, like three peas in a warm, amniotic fluid-filled pod.

Her mother was ecstatic. My wife was ecstatic. Her ultrasound tech BFF was ecstatic. I was stupefied. I then sat down and resigned myself to a life of eternal diaper changing, chauffeuring and poverty.

april-foolAfter I pulled my head out of my hands, I looked at my loving wife and mother-in-law and there they stood, arms around each other’s shoulders, each with snarky grins on their faces. They were reveling in my incredulity. Those female versions of man’s best friend! “April Fools” they then exclaimed in unison (it was March 31st, BTW). I then peed my pants in unrestrained relief.

The realities: My wife does have a fraternal twin. She has no earthly idea how many sets of twins there are in her family. She conducted no ancestral research. She falsified all the ancestral documents she showed me. She knew I was fearful of raising one child, let alone two…or three. She intentionally scheduled the ultrasound appointment the same day I arrived home. The ultrasound tech and, obviously, her mother were in on it. The tech provided an actual ultrasound video of triplets. My wife wanted to keep the joke going, but her mother talked her out of it. I still dearly love my wife.


February 28 is Open that Bottle Night – Get Ready!

wine-335672_640The idea of Open That Bottle Night is to finally open that bottle of wine that’s been gathering dust in your basement (or wine cellar), waiting for a special occasion. So take it out, dust it off, then heat up some prepared meals, and enjoy the wine with the meals, along with your significant other.

It got me thinking, though, what other things come in bottles that we could enjoy on that night? How about a fine bottle of beer?

Your favorite liqueur such as Grand Marnier, or a fine brandy,  decanted into a balloon glass would fit the occasion well.

For the kids, how about the old experiment of dropping a mento into a bottle of Coca-Cola? You will want to do that outside or in the bathroom, and be ready for some cleanup! These guys had a lot of fun with it:


It’s time to start your garden, depending on where you are. Use empty plastic bottles to start your seeds.

Maybe you’re not a drinker, but you’d still like to celebrate this awesome holiday, this significant day? You could drink a bottled coffee or tea. Don’t drink caffeine?  Open a bottle of sparkling water, with a lime twist.

Don’t forget your pets on this special occasion!

There are other things you can do for your pets. Apparently you can buy your dog or cat fine (alcohol-free) wine. With names like Pinot Leasheo, how can you go wrong!

Stock up on bottles and get ready for the best holiday of all, Open that Bottle Night!

Melody, blogger


Beat the February Blahs

winter-stormHello, it’s me, February, and I’m sick and tired of being labeled the worst month of the year by people like comedian Lewis Black. Black once said, “Valentine’s Day doesn’t belong in February. It’s the most depressing month of the year. How do we know that? Because we made it shorter and it still seems <expletive deleted> longer.”

Yeah, I know, in the month prior to me, January, you are still recovering from your Christmas and New Year’s hangovers. You use January to get back into your routines that were disrupted by the holidays. As for next month, March, well, that has the first day of spring within it, and everybody just loves spring!

So here I am, the most reviled month of the year in which the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t quite yet visible. But it’s not my fault. I can’t control the weather! I can’t make those low hanging clouds disappear! I can’t ensure that damn ground hog doesn’t see its shadow! What kinda screwed up tradition is that anyway? I mean, who the hell listens to a giant rodent?!

Anyway, I thought I’d get in touch with all of you and offer some suggestions on how to enjoy my presence and maybe alter my reputation in the process. So here they are, in no particular order:

  1. Remodel a room. I mean, you’re stuck inside anyway, right? And you don’t need to break the bank in order to remodel. Brighten up the dining room with some new paint, change the look of your living room with some new window treatments, or liven up the bedroom (not that way, you pervert) with some new sheets, pillows and bedspread.
  1. Liven up the bedroom. Yes, I mean that way, you pervert. You’re stuck inside anyway, right? Get rid of the kids, light some candles, wear something sexy, administer or receive a massage, give those new sheets a work out, cuddle, explore, experiment. And not just on my 14th day, either, but on the 2nd and 4th and 7th and 10th and…get the idea?
  1. Use Netflix and get hooked on a premium channel series. But don’t do it alone. Turn into a kind of video book club with your friends…make it as serious or light-hearted as you like, so long as it’s done on a regular and continuous basis throughout my 28 (or 29) days. And it doesn’t have to be a current series. Go back through old seasons of The Sopranos, or Mad Men, or Band of Brothers, or Dexter, or Veep. Whatever you and your friends can agree on. Just have something to look forward to (see #2) and I’ll fly by, I promise.

Yeah, I know, there was nothing about exercise, or getting outside, or pampering yourself, those have been written about to death, but if that’s what floats your boat, don’t let me stop you. Enjoy and I’ll talk to you again in twelve months!

February, blogger


Velveeta Cheese – It’s Not Real Food

Cheese Store- Find One and Start Buying Real Cheese!
Cheese Store- Find One and Start Buying Real Cheese!

If you’re looking over your shopping list before heading to the store and you’ve got Velveeta Cheese circled and highlighted as a must-have item, cross it off your list right now. It’s not real cheese, and it’s not even real food.

But, but, but…”I love Velveeta Cheese,” you say. Your eyes glaze over with a look of bewilderment. Your memory races through countless Velveeta-inspired creations you’ve consumed like macaroni dripping with cheese, hunks of bread dipped in cheesy, bubbly fondue, and chocolate fudge with Velveeta Cheese as the secret ingredient. Your mouth begins to salivate like Pavlov’s dog at the very thought of tearing away the foil wrapper on a new block of Velveeta Cheese.

When the idea of saying goodbye to Velveeta Cheese forever enters your mind, you get defensive. Deep down, you’ve always known this edible door stop as heavy as a brick was nothing short of a heart attack in a box. Seriously, do you even have to ask if this stuff is healthy?

Walk into any weight loss clinic in America, and you’re bound to find a block of body fat used to give people a visual of what packing around too much weight really looks like. Oddly enough, a carefully molded block of body fat looks a lot like that block of Velveeta Cheese you were thinking about buying.

“But it’s made from milk,” you murmur. Hardly, it’s only 2 percent milk and the rest is largely a mixture of saturated fat, cholesterol and sodium. These are three ingredients that give dietitians nightmares, remind doctors to keep their tools sharpened for an endless procession of open heart bypass surgeries, and block your arteries like Germany’s soccer team protecting their goal from Argentina.

Need a little more food for thought? Velveeta Cheese is sold as a “pasteurized prepared cheese product.” It’s not a dairy product, and it’s not even real food. It’s an entirely processed substance created in a lab and designed to entertain your palate. And despite what you may have been telling yourself for years, it isn’t healthy. It’s time for this fake cheese to melt away and never return.

Evan, blogger

Note: if you need to eat a great warm cheese dip with tortilla chips, try this one: Proper Queso Dip – from someone who agrees with us, the very funny Marie Porter