Week Before Thanksgiving To-Do List

In case you haven’t noticed, Thanksgiving is right around the corner, Thursday, November 25^th to be exact. Amazing how it just sneaks up on us every year. You look at the calendar and, “Holy crap, Thanksgiving’s next week!”

Well, not to worry avid reader, we here at MagicKitchen.com are here to help with a tongue-in-cheek, “Week Before Turkey Day To-Do List.” While everything on this list might not apply to you, hopefully each one brings a wry smile to your face and a sense of serenity in a manner similar to how the phrase, “serenity now” worked for Frank Costanza (season 9, episode 3 of Seinfeld if you’re curious)…wait, “Serenity now, insanity later.”

• Go turkey hunting in your local grocery stores now as supply chain issues may make your hunt longer and geographically larger than usual. If you cannot locate one, grab the shotgun above the mantel and head for the woods, just remember to remove all the pellets prior to serving the bird to your guests. Alternatively, you could wait for Mr. Carlson and Herb Tarlek to toss farm-raised turkeys from a helicopter above your local grocery store as Les Nessman offers color commentary (season 1, episode 7 of WKRP in Cincinnati if you’re curious).
• Take out a small loan to pay for all the food and drink required for the big day since inflation is through the roof right now. Hopefully your credit rating is good and you can secure a low interest rate on what are being called “Pilgrim loans” by lending institutions. However, if your credit is like mine, you might be forced to visit Vinny the Toucan who swims with the other sharks.
• Guilt your guests into bringing various dishes and beverages as an alternative to the previous item on our list. Simply convey your tale of financial woe and that it cannot be overcome by coupon (or Groupon) clipping. And tell them you don’t want to be in debt to Vinny the Toucan.
• Ensure you prepare dishes for all the dietary needs of your guests as every group now has at least one vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free, lactose intolerant, nut allergy, shellfish allergy, kiwi (the fruit, not the bird) only, no fowl (the birds, not things that smell bad), Atkins, no phallic-shaped foods, and no foods that grew from the ground devotee.
• Prepare a seating chart that takes into consideration everyone’s political beliefs. You really don’t want your pinko, bleeding-heart liberal uncle sitting next to your MAGA, anti-vaxxer brother, especially if one is wearing a mask and the other is not. You also might want to designate a certain area as an anti-politics zone in order to keep the yelling and fist fights to a minimum.
• Develop a list of innocuous emergency topics of conversation in order to headoff political argumentative explosions. This list might include: sports, the weather, the current state of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, the redeeming qualities of fascism (I jest, of course…just wanted to see if you were paying attention), boxers or briefs, and/or the one true villain left on The Bachelorette.
• Plan activities for the kids such as video games, calculus classes, video games, a poker table for games of no-limit Texas hold ‘em, beer pong, and video games. Just ensure the video games are age appropriate; IE, you don’t want your 16-year-old nephew playing Animal Crossing as he might turn into a kind, polite and considerate person.
• Clean the house, especially if you haven’t had guests since pre-COVID and you have dust bunnies rolling around like tumbleweeds and your bathroom resembles and smells like the one from your favorite college dive bar. Oh yeah, and always assume your guests look in your medicine cabinet.
• Make a calculated decision about booze as you can’t offer alcohol to just your “well-adjusted” guests. Best advice: have just enough alcohol on hand to offer only one drink to each of your guests and then blame your significant other for not ensuring there was more on-hand. “Damn it, Addison, I told you to check the alcohol supply earlier this week!” Whether or not you discuss this nefarious plan with Addison before-hand is entirely up to you.

There you go. You can take these obviously sarcastic to-do list items for what they’re worth…absolutely nothing except, perhaps, a bit of light-hearted humor in a sometimes humorless world. Happy Thanksgiving and I hope you have a wonderful day spent with friends and family!