Elderly Parents Who Refuse Help and Siblings Who Refuse to Offer Any: What to Do?

In this post, we’ll try to answer two questions: What to do when elderly parents refuse help? and, what to do when siblings don’t help with aging parents?  Yeah, I know, that’s a lot, right?  Then let’s get started with the first question, well, first…

If you have elderly parents, chances are they refuse at least some of your offers of assistance.  You offer to shovel the drive, or mow the grass, or provide financial advice, or chauffeur them around town, or help with healthcare options, or offer to help pay for assisted living and your parents decline some or all your offers to help.  What now?

• Begin discussions early, prior to the onset of serious cognitive or physical decline. Simply ask your parents where they see themselves as octogenarians or in 15-20 years?  Discuss assisted living arrangements before they’re truly needed.
• Keep your cool, stay calm, be patient, be reasonable…all that stuff. Getting angry with your mom or dad won’t help, neither will attempting to force them into an arrangement they do not want.
• Find out why they refuse your help. The best way to figure this out is to just ask, just be sure to listen and empathize with them.  Once you know this answer, it can help in reaching some type of compromise.  Which brings us to…
• Try to compromise and offer options. Maybe an in-home caregiver is acceptable or a landscaper to take care of the yard.  Again, don’t force what you think your parents need onto them.

Generally speaking, it’s not only our elderly parents who can challenge us when it comes to their care.  Siblings who won’t help with elderly parents is yet another challenge.  We tend to believe that caring for elderly parents should be a shared responsibility and that belief can cause friction.  Your brother and/or sister simply refuses to help.  What now?

• Be realistic. There really is no law that requires your siblings to assist with the care of your aging parents and there is no expectation of equity.  The sooner you accept that, the better.  Remember, the ultimate goal is the well-being of your parents, not who is the “better” sibling based on who provides the most to their care.
• Talk, communicate, and listen to your siblings as much as possible. Find out if they’re willing to help and, if so, how much.  If they’re in denial or simply don’t realize the seriousness of the problem…tell them!…nicely.
• Proximity is a huuuuge factor in determining how much help your siblings can provide. But even if they live across the country, they can still provide some assistance, if they’re willing, even if that’s just staying in touch with your parents and you.
• Be specific when nicely asking your siblings for help. Do your parents require time, money, contact or all three?  One other fallacy you can lose is the belief that “I shouldn’t have to ask my brother/sister for help!”  Sometimes, asking (nicely) is all it takes to get that much needed help.
• Accept what they’re willing to offer even is that’s just checking in with your parents every so often. Don’t get pushy with your requests for help.  Getting pushy can actually push people away.
• Play to your siblings’ strengths. Are they great with financial advice, physical assistance, healthcare issues?  Whatever they’re good/great at, try to use those strengths when asking (nicely) for assistance.

How to deal with stubborn aging parents and siblings unwilling to help are just two hurdles to overcome when trying to provide care to said parents.  The best advice I can offer is to be nice, take it slow, and talk and listen in equal amounts when dealing with both unwilling siblings and stubborn parents.